Personal Stories from those affected by sexual sin
It Seemed So Innocent
—by Eric, age 33
“It seemed so innocent!” For those facing the struggle to overcome “masturbation”. I write with such anxiety here at my computer, to share from my heart the hurt, and the struggles that I have faced as a child of God. The hardest thing to confess to the Lord, let alone to the public. I do this hoping to help someone out there to know they are not alone. My struggle, is just as others have confessed, an insatiable addiction to “masturbation”. My hopes is also that in doing this, the Lord Jesus will know how truly sorry I am for this act of the flesh. Lets face it! How many people, like myself, are willing to seek help on this subject.
Here’s my story. I’m 32, happily married, with three great kids. I’m a professional in the medical field and a believer in Jesus Christ now for 14 years. I have struggled with the addiction of masturbation since I was 14, in which I unknowingly at the time became a slave as others have became enslaved. First with porno magazines, and then x-rated videos, and also fantasizing. The porno and movies left the scene when I received Christ at 18, but the fantasies and masturbation continue to this day.
I honestly thought “It” would leave when I found my wonderful wife. Ten years later I still truly long to crucify it. It has caused such tremendous pain in my life. Only those who have experienced the emptiness as I have personally known, will know exactly what I mean. I cannot count how many times I have prayed to God to take away this problem. The 19 continuous years I have bowed down in defeat and frustration. The countless tears that I have shed. The low self esteem that I battle partly due to this addiction.
When I was 14, I was sexually abused by a male neighbor on numerous occasions. I believe that soon after these experiences, although having practiced masturbation before these encounters, I know I became increasingly addicted to it. Whenever I was depressed I indulged the flesh. I fantasized, and I’m sure as others can attest, you cannot have one without the other.
This continued till I found Jesus Christ. I thought then that I would somehow be delivered instantaneously as some do. Not me! This destructive behavior continued till I met my beautiful wife, but the secret addiction did not. This caused both of us tremendous grief a few years later when I shared my problem with my wife, after she sensed my coldness in our relationship.
I shared the painful secrets from my past with her, which was unbearable. Thank God for an understanding wife. You see, even though I was married now, the addiction to the fantasies were still intact. I found that I could not function sexually with my wife without fantasizing regardless of how hard I tried to stop.
My love life became a painful encounter every time single time, because of the guilt and pain of harboring these thoughts. I thought maybe now that my sin was exposed I would be able to stop. To my dismay, “it” reared its ugly head weeks later, and as before I found myself practicing masturbation in secret unknown to her.
This pattern can lead I believe to deeper sin I believe. I have come so close to being enticed by the sexual content on the Internet, but thank God He has enabled me to stay clear of that. I only hope that my story will help others, and that they will know that others, such as myself, suffer with the same problems as they do. I have not given up hope. I will continue to trust Christ, and that someday He will grant me strength and will power to overcome my fleshful tendencies. May Christ add His blessing on all those who struggle with masturbation.