Personal Stories from those affected by sexual sin
The Model Christian With a Secret Sin
—by an anonymous male, age 20
According to most Christians, I was a model Christian. I was doing well for myself. I was going to college, and I had a great job with a very prestigious global business institution, and at only nineteen years old. I served in several ministries in my church. I am the youth leader of my church, and I handle many business and administrative duties of my church. I have regular fellowship and prayer with God. During the Youth Service, I move in the gifts, I prophecy accurately, I teach effectively, etc. I don’t mean to brag or speak out of pride, but I guess you could say I was a model Christian on the outside. However, I had a little monster, on the inside, that kept gnawing at me slowly—Masturbation.
I just could not stop. It started probably since the age of twelve. I would masturbate regularly (at least two or three times a day, even in morning before school and church), then feel such guilt about it. I really wanted to stop, but I could not help myself. To be honest, I didn’t want to stop. I enjoyed the self-gratification. Masturbation is pleasing, our body likes it. If it weren’t enjoyable, so many people wouldn’t struggle with it. I liked fantasying about women and masturbating to satisfy those lustful fantasies. I would constantly get myself caught in this vicious cycle. I would try to stop. Once I even stopped for several days. Then, I would just see an image on television or see a women wear something revealing, and I just could not control my hormones (actually, I would not control my hormones). I would repent, then sin again, repent, and then sin again. Well, I guess it wasn’t true repentance. To repent is to “turn away” or have a “change of heart.” I could not get out of this cycle; I wanted to be freed from it, but I couldn’t stop doing it.
That was my problem—I was trying to stop. I was trying to stop sinning in the flesh, instead of bringing this sin before God. Jesus, 2000 years ago, bore all the sins of the world so we would not have to struggle with them. This may be hard for some people to believe, but its the truth. EVERY type of sin in the world, Jesus bore it upon himself, and conquered it, and had victory over it. Yes, Jesus died on the cross for every sin, even the sin of masturbation, so that we would not have to struggle with it. Our flesh has a sinful nature. The selfish flesh wants to masturbate, but our Spirit does not. The flesh is weak, and doesn’t want to serve and obey God; but, our spirit (actually, God’s Spirit, which is in every true believer) ALWAYS wants to do the things of God. We have to practice living out of our Spirit, not our flesh. The “Spirit is always willing”, but the flesh is not.
Guilt is never of God. There is a big difference between guilt and conviction. Guilt makes you feel bad, and you don’t want to approach God when you feel guilty. You feel as if God is disappointed or upset with you. God loves us so much, no matter what sin we struggle with, God’s love for us doesn’t change. His love is perfect and unconditional. He loves the sinner, but hates the sin. So, no matter what we do, we should never feel like we can’t approach God. Israel was in such great sin; people were committing adultery, fornication, homosexuality, and every other sin you could think of. Isaiah prophesied God’s word to them saying:
We should not go by our emotions or our feeling, but rather the word of God. David said “my heart deceives me”, just like David, our heart deceives us. Some common misconceptions are, “I sinned too much and too many times”, “God can’t forgive me for what did” “God is really mad at me”. These are lies of the devil. The devil wants us to feel guilty condemned and not approach God. “NOTHING can keep us from the love of Christ.”
If you suffer from the sin of habitual masturbation, bring it to God. Don’t try to stop on your own—I guarantee it—you will fail. Let God take the desire to sin (masturbate) out of you. This applies to boys and girls. Girls have this desire too, and many suffer from this sin as well. Be transparent about it and confess it to Him. Do not be embarrassed to talk to God about it. The word says “trust in the Lord and pour out your heart before Him.” God wants us to pour out our heart before Him. He wants to help us, He wants us to share what is on our heart. Tell God sincerely “Lord, I habitually masturbate, and I can’t stop on my own will power. Lord, I need Your help, grant me repentance and take away this desire from me. Lord, my flesh wants to continue with this sin, but my Spirit wants to serve You.” Also, get into the word of God, write down scriptures and stand on them, quote them, memorize them. Let the word transform and renew your mind.
I pray this helps people who struggle with this sin. God Bless you.