Personal Stories from those affected by sexual sin
Why Me? (My Personal Testimony)
—by Pastor Walter L. Davis, III, age 38
In this particular scripture, the Apostle Paul is writing to the saints at Corinth concerning the major conflicts and wrongful acts taking place in the church. In other words, he was acknowledging that even though this church was skillful in their gifts, loved God and believed His Word; there were certain evil, sinful lifestyles that yet abound. One sin he pointed out was homosexuality—an ongoing controversial issue that is accepted in the world and plaguing the church.
Paul knew that some were bound by this lifestyle; he concedes that ye are washed and sanctified indicating that there is deliverance for whoever is bound by this sin. I intend to provide scriptural evidence, along with other important facets, to prove that homosexuality is a sin. God abhors it; yet He loves the person trapped in it. It is His desire that we be delivered from all sin and unrighteousness. I may offend you, but that is part of the ministry that comes with defending the truth of God’s Word. I have experienced many things. I do not have all the answers, but I do know there is help and hope for the homosexual male and female. Do not become bored. The devil does not want you to read this because many of you may have lived these experiences. Besides, the more I testify the more God reinforces my deliverance (Revelation 12:11).
At the time of this writing, I am 38 years old, happily married for four years, the father of a beautiful daughter, an ordained elder and pastor in the Church of God in Christ, a prophet of God and a teacher of the Word. But, I lived the life of a homosexual for thirty agonizing years both in and out of the church. This is my story.
I had often questioned myself:
These and other questions have plagued the minds of those who were and are trapped in this circus of confusion. The advantage I have in writing this is that I speak from both sides. I am not being hypocritical or prejudice. I know the truth. I know the lies. I know the compromise. I know the cover-up. I know the set up. And it is all a trick of the devil.
I was born to parents who were already dysfunctional. Sorry Ma and Dad, but it is the truth. My mother married my father because it was her way of escaping from being a “PK” (Preachers Kid). The harsh life of being a PK turned her away from the true church, the body of Christ, and God. She worked in the church because her father was the pastor and, as a result, she saw a lot of hypocrisy. I have heard my mother say, “I would rather go to hell than to live in heaven with these phonies.”
As you can see, I inherited the generational curse of escapism from my mother. My father was an orphan. His father died when he was born and his mother did not want him. His mother allowed a lady to take him as a foster child, but she was not permitted to adopt him. By not knowing his father nor why his mother did not want him left him open and vulnerable. Because my father did not have a father, he never knew what is was like to be a father; nor did he know how to be a man. He just knew how to be a male being; therefore, another generational curse was passed on (Exodus 34:7).
I am the first child and only son born to my parents. I am the third generation on both sides to carry on either the curse or the blessings. At the age of three, homosexuality was introduced to me by the way of rape and other circumstances. The devil is a cunning and deceptive counterfeiter; just as God has a will for your life so does the devil. He works by all means, inside and outside the church. (John 10:10, II Corinthians 11:13-15) A brother in our church who was in love with my father, raped me. He hated my mother because he could not have my father. In an effort to retaliate against my parents for getting married, a seed of sexual, moral, and emotional destruction was planted in my life.
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Two men raped me. The devil used them to trap me because I wanted the love of my father. Since I could not get it I turned to other men. I felt this was the only way I was going to bonded with a man. Later, two women also raped me. Do you see Satan’s concept of deception for my life? Satan used the two women to scare me away from the natural use of a woman’s love. (Romans 1:27) I was in church for years and would always hear the devil say to me,
People did not help either, especially church folks and family members. After constantly being called a “sissy” and a “faggot” and other degrading terms sooner or later your life is bound to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, (Proverbs 18:21). When people continue to hear negative things about themselves, especially children in their growing, molding, and vulnerable stage, they will grow up exhibiting the behaviors that were spoken over their lives. I began to live the words that were imparted into my spirit. I wanted to touch and feel on boys; I wanted to act like a girl. I remember wearing my mothers shoes and dresses and putting on her makeup and wigs. It felt natural.
The torment of anal and oral sex was so traumatic it caused me to inflict pain in the lives of others. I have three sisters. I grew up hating them because it seemed like Daddy loved them more than he loved me. I would abuse them. The devil will not only destroy your life, but he will use you to destroy the lives of others. Words could not articulate their experiences and the emotional damage I caused. I try not to think about it because it still hurts knowing I could have killed my sisters. Thank God for His mercy and protection.
As an adolescent, I had low self-esteem. I did not feel I was good at anything. While in school, I would get jumped and forced to have sex with another boy. I did not play sports, but I loved church. You could not get me away from it. I loved to sing, shout, and scream. Nevertheless, I was extremely feminine. People would say, “Why don’t you act like a boy!” But, no one would take the time to show me how, not even the saints. I did not understand what being a sissy or a faggot was; nor did I understand what being “funny” was all about. I once asked my cousin, “What is a sissy?” She said, “You, the greatest of them all.” It was at that time, I said to myself, “Well, maybe since I am a sissy and I act like a girl, I may as well be a girl.” I remember telling people when I get older I was going to have a sex change operation. I started smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, engaging in sexual acts with boys, and getting involved in pornography and other forms of witchcraft.
I always wanted to be saved. I loved the Bible. I thought it was the greatest book ever written. When my father was in Vietnam he sent my mother a family Bible. I remember the first scripture I read on my own, John 3:16. It sounded like poetry to me. I could hear rivers of Living Water running through me. Thank God for the Word. If I did not have the Word of God within me in the midst of my struggles, I would be destroyed today.
I was engaged 6 times to 5 different ladies. I was trying to find my identity and be what everybody wanted me to be—their interpretation of a man. They did not know that heterosexual sex does not cure homosexuality. It takes the blood of Jesus Christ to heal and deliver you from all sin and bondage.
For years I would fast and pray, constantly seeking God for my deliverance. After the fifth engagement, I convinced myself I would remain celibate and single and do God’s will. But, in order to do God’s will, you have to do it God’s way. The fulfillment of my deliverance began in October 1995, when I attended a “Manpower” conference hosted by Bishop TD Jakes. The theme that year was, “Loose the Man and Let Him Go”. Although none of the brothers I was traveling with knew my lifestyle, the Lord used them to reveal that in order for my deliverance to be complete I had to accept God’s total will. It was not until we were on our way back from the conference that God began to deal with me about His will for my life. The Lord and I were having an argument. He kept saying, “Marriage”, and I kept saying, “No, no, no”. I did not want to ruin anyone’s life, but before I knew it I yelled, “Ok, Lord, I will get married.” Once I began to submit to the voice of the Lord, my life took on a whole new meaning.
When we arrived in New York, I was walking in total victory. Two years later, the Lord blessed me to marry one of the greatest women in the world. Deliverance does not happen overnight, it is an ongoing process. Nevertheless, it is mine in Jesus name! Although I am free from the bondage of homosexuality, I have discovered that the fight is not over. The devil is still busy; he is not through tempting me. According to Luke 4:13, we have to continue to crucify the flesh, denounce the works of darkness in our lives and let Christ reign supreme and complete on a daily basis. Yes, there is help.