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Movie Review

My Bloody Valentine 3-D a.k.a. “My Bloody Valentine 3D”

MPAA Rating: R for graphic brutal horror violence and grisly images throughout, some strong sexuality, graphic nudity and language.

Reviewed by: Brian C. Johnson
CONTRIBUTOR

Extremely Offensive
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Moviemaking Quality:

Primary Audience:
Adults
Genre:
Thriller, Horror, 3D
Length:
1 hr. 41 min.
Year of Release:
2009
USA Release:
January 16, 2009 (wide—2,300 theaters)
DVD: May 19, 2009
Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films Copyright, Lionsgate Films
Relevant Issues
Copyright, Lionsgate Films

Every time you buy a movie ticket or rent a video you are casting a vote telling Hollywood “That’s what I want.” Why does Hollywood continue to promote immoral programming? Are YOU part of the problem?

VIOLENCE—How does viewing violence in movies affect families? Answer

NUDITY—Why are humans supposed to wear clothes? Answer

How can I deal with temptations? Answer

Should I save sex for marriage? Answer

How far is too far? What are the guidelines for dating relationships? Answer

What are the consequences of sexual immorality? Answer

Fornication

Sex, Love & Relationships
Learn how to make your love the best it can be. Christian answers to questions about sex, marriage, sexual addictions, and more. Valuable resources for Christian couples, singles and pastors.
Featuring: Jensen Ackles
“Supernatural” (TV series), “Smallville” (TV series)

Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsy Rue, Edi Gathegi, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe, Megan Boone, Karen Baum, Joy de la Paz, Marc Macaulay, Todd Farmer, Jeff Hochendoner, Bingo O'Malley, Liam Rhodes, Michael Roberts McKee, Andrew Larson, Jarrod DiGiorgi, Selene Luna, Cherie McClain, Rich Walters, David Whalen, Denise Dal Vera, Sam Nicotero, Tim Hartman, Ruth Flaherty, Annie Kitral, Jerry Johnston, Rita Gregory, Brandi Engel, Mightie Louis Greenberg, Chris Carnel
Director: Patrick Lussier
Producer: Lionsgate, John Dunning, André Link, Jonathan McCoy, Jack L. Murray, Michael Paseornek, John Sacchi
Distributor: Lionsgate Films

“Get your heart broken.”

To all you would be horror movie producers who are thinking of remaking a cult classic—just don’t do it. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we! Joining recent remade flops such as “Psycho” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” Lionsgate’s “My Bloody Valentine” limps into the never-should-have-been-rereleased pile. There is a simple message to future filmmakers, just because you can remake a film, does not mean that you should.

“My Bloody Valentine” is a remake of the 1981 film of the same title; the story lines are similar, with a few new twists. Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) returns to his hometown exactly ten years after a Valentine’s Day massacre which left 22 people dead at the hands of Harry Warden, a mine worker who spent months in a coma after an explosion at the mine. Hanniger returns to sell his father’s mine, which makes him public enemy #1; it doesn’t help that the killing has started all over again—making him prime suspect #1.

One thing can be said about this remake—it fits well within the slasher flick genre. Unnecessary nudity, bad language, men and women falling for no reason while running, characters moving toward the killer instead of running away, or, running away while the killer walks and somehow he still manages to catch up—oh, and the biggest connection of all—horribly bad acting! Yup, it fits the conventions well.

Patrick Lussier (director) brings considerable talent and experience to this debacle; he has worked on numerous films in the genre; many of them were box office failures. In theatres, the film is offered in 2D and 3D; ordinarily three dimensional movies are exciting, and slasher 3D may be treat for the avid fan, but all the computerized trickery in the world could not save this snoozefest. For comparison purposes, this writer saw the 2D version first and hoped that the fancy 3D technology could offer some level of redemption, but alas there was no help for this one. The tagline for this film is “Get your heart broken.” Exactly!

Movies in this genre tend not to be Christ-centric or family-friendly; there is very little that makes this a film that Christians should go see. Honestly, non-Christians should avoid it as well.

This film was released early (was originally set to open near Valentine’s Day 2009), due to the release of another classic remake—“Friday the 13th,” which will open on Friday, February 13th. Oddly enough, the word “fear” comes to mind; the concern is not the subject matter, but the idea that this classic will be butchered also causes this writer to shudder.

Violence: Heavy / Profanity: Heavy / Sex/Nudity: Heavy

Every time you buy a movie ticket or rent a video you are casting a vote telling Hollywood “That’s what I want.” Why does Hollywood continue to promote immoral programming? Are YOU part of the problem?

See list of Relevant Issues—questions-and-answers.


Viewer CommentsSend your comments
Comments below:
Positive
Positive—I admit. I wanted to see this because of the man, the legend, Dean Winchester. AKA Jensen Ackles of the CW’s “Supernatural.” He’s a bad dude, as that’s what Thursday nights at 9 eastern have shown me time and time again. After all, Dean’s the stochiometric amalgamation of James Dean and Bond. All the rebel of the former and all the caustic wit of the latter. A contemporary Han Solo.

Naturally, I assumed the folks behind Valentine would preserve this image of Dean, not to typecast the man, but to further indulge in his naturality with the part. Well, I was wrong… and right at the same time. It’s hard to articulate this one because this movie doesn’t really stick to any one pattern for too long. Not as far as atmospherics go. Again, it’s hard to put into words.

Okay, first things first. As the title suggests. This flick is full of gratuitous gore. Expect it. Perhaps less than expected, but nonetheless noted in the R disclaimer, there is some sex and nudity. The nudity is played out to the superlative extreme in one egregiously long scene. None of it serves any purpose, of course, other than to get a rise from the audience. A lot of this movie is SUPPOSED to be that way. DESIGNED TO ELICIT REACTIONS. Like Tarantino’s film “The Grindhouse” only with a tenth of the voltage pushing the envelope. Such a movie usually brings out the wild and nutty in people. That’s PART OF THE PLAN… and was something I was expecting: lots of bogus screams, giggles, and side commentary inundated with four letter metaphors and other puerile expressions from the crowd. Au contraire. My audience was locked up like Fort Knox. Elsewhere there was probably a poor joe in a room full of teeny bopper high schoolers howling their fool heads off at every stab and lame line alike. Lucky guy. Valentine yearns for that crowd.

The upshots of this film are the whodunnit facet and restraint in cheesy jump scares. The pitfalls are the hackneyed “Oooh. I tripped… while running from the bad guy who’s right behind me” scenes. The dialogue could be considered a tad trite, but then again, with the film’s goal in mind, it’s forgivable. The 3D experience boosts the film’s strengths. How often do you see a 3D presentation?
My Ratings: Moral rating: Very Offensive / Moviemaking quality: 4
—Jacob Keenum, age 22 (USA)
Positive—To base it on a christian standpoint, it is extremely offensive. That would be freedom of choice to watch it or not. My family has been raised on scary films and so have both myself and my husband. They are cool to watch—graphics are wicked to say the least. WE loved the movie. I am not to keen on the 3D stuff—should have just left the movie the way it was originally done the first time.

There is a lot… a lot… a lot of blood, guts, gore and graphics in this movie. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to hesitate on seeing this one. There is a sex scene that is pretty graphic and not very hidden. …so yes… I was not happy when my 11 year old went from jumping in her chair to “oh cr*p;” that was not acceptable. OVERALL, I was happy with the film’s graphics.
My Ratings: Moral rating: Extremely Offensive / Moviemaking quality: 5
—Shannon Johnston, age 34 (USA)
Negative
Negative3-d was the only chance for “My Bloody Valentine” at making any money at the box office. Otherwise it was just another axe in the head with blood squirting everywhere movie. The plot was terrible. It was a trashy hurried project with female nudity thrown in for the audience showing full breast nudity and vulva exposure for, I’m not joking, ten minutes. Why are the NC-17 and triple X ratings the new R? Sign of the times.
My Ratings: Moral rating: Extremely Offensive / Moviemaking quality: 1½
—John, age 23 (USA)
Negative—I am a huge fan of horror fans and am a shmuck for remakes, just to see the new vision. I did not see the first “My Bloody Valentine” however, though I heard it was very, very much less violent and less offensive. This movies is terrible is two distinctive ways; 1) It is horribly made AND 2) It is extremely offensive. There is a scene of nudity that lasts almost 15 minutes, and only exists to see nudity. Just this aspect was pushing the R-Rating.

Then there was the violence, and while I am not usually phased by bloodshed, this film definitely made my stomach turn. Some very bloody moments, including (literal) hearts in boxes. The acting is terrible, even from Jensen Ackels (though I would blame that on the script), the 3-D is underwhelming, and I could see the twists coming. Terrible in so many ways, it has to be seen to be understood--but I DO NOT recommend watching it at all. This movie stinks of fodder.
My Ratings: Moral rating: Extremely Offensive / Moviemaking quality: 1½
—Ben Badger, age 18 (USA)