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Buried Memories

—by Perl, age 27

I was very young when I realized that God had a special calling for me. I guess that was when Satan also knew that God had a special calling for me. I know this to be true, because when I was between 8-12 years old, I had been molested by some people whom I had trusted: male and female. I had put these memories deep in my mind where I wouldn’t remember them.

The curiosity held my heart like a 20 lb. ball I loved God with my whole heart and desired to continue abiding in His will for me. What remained, however, was the curiosity that held my heart like a 20 lb. ball. This curiosity led me to areas that I wished I didn’t see before. Then, I remembered the events of my childhood, which only led me to self disgust and anger at God.

Almost unknowingly, I invited lust to take over and take its control. I had my first sexual gratification through masturbation when I was 23 years old. I was so enamored by my body’s acceptance of a powerful force that I couldn’t resist it. Up to the time when I was 23 years old, I hadn’t even kissed a man.

What threw me over the edge was the event on my 24th year when I lost a man whom I had known as a great friend. He was my potential husband. I had waited so long to marry, because I wanted to do the things that I wanted, such as finishing college. He passed away 5 months before I received my diploma from college. I went through many different courses of pity, guilt, regret and abuse of my body just to find a moment’s satisfaction of love. More than ever, I was angry at God. I often did the things I did to rebel against Him. My reasoning was that “God says that my body is a holy temple unto Him”, so I used my body to rebel.

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;”
   —1 Corinthians 6:19

Now I am 27 years old and I have gone through so many broken relationships due to sexual misconduct. But, I pray more and more that God may heal me starting with my mind and then to my heart. I believe that we are tempted by Satan, sometimes in such strong ways that it may seem beyond our control. But,

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
   —1 Corinthians 10:13

Satan tries to fill our minds only with the “negative” things of this world which brings destruction quickly. Our minds are powerful and what we put into it will come back to haunt us if they are not the things of God. I often say to my friends who are not Christians that I would rather not hear or see what they find to be funny because it will stick in my mind.

  1. The first step towards strengthening my relationship with God was to ask for forgiveness, then forgive myself and others who I have acted wrongly with.

  2. Second, I evaluated the things that influence me to give into temptation and avoid them.

  3. Third, I involved myself with the company of faithful Christians to help me fill my mind with the things of God.

It is like picking up the phone and making that call to God and say, ‘Help me Father, for I wish to be free.’

As I continue to grow, I pray that God may continue to work His way in me and help me straighten out my priorities so that He can truly use me for His service.

We are all faced with sexual temptation and other things, but we must remember that God has conquered all of that for us. We must make the decision to change if we truly want to be set free. It is like picking up the phone and making that call to God and say, “Help me Father, for I wish to be free.” And God will help you, just start with your heart and be sincere.

Remember that we can rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus and His Precious Blood. Satan will flee from you and God will restore you minute by minute. I often think of how Satan had set the trap for me those young years of mine. I know now that it wasn’t my fault and that I can be healed and renewed with the precious love of Jesus.

I love you all and may God continue to be there for you until He calls you home.

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