My Troubling Gift
About 6 years ago I discovered “cyber-sex.” Having a writing talent all my life made me a hot cyber partner and I enjoyed a popularity and admiration in the chat rooms that I had never enjoyed in real life. I could be anything in a chat room… young, slim, beautiful… it was wonderful.
One thing led to another, and I found my fantasy encounters were marketable. I contacted a publisher of erotica and had several books published. Now I felt talented and proud. I had found my niche.
My problem was that I couldn’t reconcile this “gift” with my belief in God and Jesus. I ended up not going to church and avoiding “talks” with God because I felt guilty… like a dog who is caught in the garbage. Eventually I prayed to Him that He not let me write anymore books if it wasn’t His will. And that is what came to be… my muse dried up.
Never the less, I still didn’t come back to Him completely. I was too shamed and still debated with myself about the erotica I wrote. After all, I was monogomous. The only impact all this had on my marriage was to improve it in many ways! Our sex life was far more consistent and rich when I was indulging in sexual fantasy and cyber-sex. My husband had no problem with it, in fact even encouraged it. He felt/feels that as long as it is not sneaky or against what the other person feels that it’s okay.
Meantime, I had a brother who developed a cocaine addiction. When I went to God about him, I felt a barrier of shame and as if I couldn’t rightfully seek help as long as I still had my (very popular) adult fiction and advice websites up and as long as I was still a published author of erotica. I took down my sites and discontinued my writing.
Led from there to go on retreat, my relationship with God was reborn and renewed. That was about a year and a half ago and he has brought me so far since then. The problem is, though, that my sex life in my marriage has been difficult.
Having been sexually abused by a family member when I was quite young, I seem to have a problem building sexual excitement without an element of fantasy… an element of feeling a little “dirty” or over the edge. I’ve struggled for so long with this issue. If I turn off the exciting thoughts, I can’t seem to get motivated for sex. My marriage suffers (even though my husband would never cheat on me and loves me dearly). If I allow myself to have my thoughts and fantasies, our marriage heats up and we’re both happier.
Yes, I’ve tried much prayer over this and Bible study. I’ve tried counseling. I’ve gone long periods of time having sex without orgasm because I didn’t want to think “impure thoughts.” But there doesn’t seem to be an answer.
On the other hand, Jesus had cleaned up so much of my life. He has pulled me back into the fold and has filled me with His Spirit in so many ways. I just don’t have an answer for this one portion of the issue. I know in my spirit that I mustn’t write my books any more. I know in my spirit that I mustn’t post a site that might lead people astray. But I just don’t know about the rest of it… especially about how disciplined I must keep my thoughts when the time is appropriate for sex with my husband. This may plague me until I die just as Paul had his plague that wasn’t lifted.