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I’m So Fed Up

—by MD, age 31

My husband of 14 years is addicted to pornography. I, too, found out by looking through the cache on our computer. Later, junk mail began to roll in. Phone bills arrived that mysteriously had 900 phone calls on them (I’m talking hundreds of dollars). The cable bill showed up with porn movies on them. He denied them all. I feel hurt, rejected, and very upset with him. I tried to be understanding at first, but now, after a 10 year on-again off-again struggle with this I have gotten so fed up.

My husband is a deacon, and we are very active in church. His continuous talks with me about how it’s his “weakness” do not help my pain. Naturally, all men, including our pastor, think I am being unreasonable, because he is a man and “that’s the way men are”. I no longer trust him, and I’m so sick of him hurting me like this that I’m not sure I want to stick it out any longer.

We have a great marriage together, otherwise. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking when we make love, and right now I have no desire to even try to have sex with him, because I am afraid it will hurt our relationship more than help it. He says he enjoys my body, and (I thought) we had a wonderful and exciting sex life.

I hope things are going to get better. We have 2 children and I’m concerned about how this is affecting them. Despite him trying to reassure me that he’s attracted to me, I still have a self esteem problem now that I can’t get over. The devil has really played with my mind over this. I’ve thought of drastic (and unhealthy) things I could do to lose weight and make myself more attractive.

This addiction has caused us so much pain. The pain that my husband deals with as far as condemnation is awful to him, the pain and hurt I feel is awful, and our kids suffer also, because of the disagreements going on that normally does not happen around our house.

My husband says he doesn’t masturbate while engaging in porn, but who knows? That’s what bothers me more than anything, I guess. He says it’s like a magnet to him. From some of the stories I’ve read, our case is mild. To me, it seems pretty serious, because I feel the pain, which no one seems to understand.

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