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Wanting to Break Free

by an Anonymous Male, age 35

“I want to share my story with the hope that someone will pray for me and my family, and all Christians who struggle with a sexual addiction.”

I cannot remember the exact age I was when I first looked at pornography, but I can remember when I started really getting hooked.

It was in the spring of 1981 when we first got cable T.V. in our home: I was 16. I remember looking at movies on HBO and Showtime that had “Strong Sexual Content”; which meant looking at a lot of naked females, and some sexual intercourse. During this period I would either gratify myself, or try and find a female to have sex with. In June of 1984, when I graduated from high school, my dad had had Showtime taken off the cable box in my room and replaced it with “The Playboy Channel”. The sex on Playboy was a whole lot more explicit than on HBO or Showtime and a lot more raunchy. I would look at that garbage for hours and then go to clubs to try and find a female I could act out what I was viewing on Playboy. I had access to The Playboy Channel for only a couple of weeks before my dad removed it, but those couple of weeks destroyed my mind.

For the next 3 years I was very promiscuous, having sex with many females. This continued until I was married in June of 1987, and in the winter of 1987, I gave my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. When I gave my life to Christ I still struggled a little with sexually gratifying myself and lustful thoughts toward other women, but it was like I had no problem with porn.

I went 9 years without viewing pornography and I even worked at a major cable company and had free cable with two cable boxes loaded with all the movie channels, including Playboy, and not once did I view pornography, at home or at work. It wasn’t until January of 1996, after being very depressed, that I looked at pornography on cable for about 3 minutes, and it has been an ongoing battle ever since. I wish I could say that I have been winning the battles, but I’ve taken some major blows; looking at porn on cable, video stores, and the Internet. This is not an everyday thing, but when it happens it might last one or two days, and I hate it. I’m at a point now where I want to break free, but I don’t know how.

I have a couple of guys I can talk to but it’s not on a consistent basis. I want to get with a support group that deals with sexual addictions, but I don’t know where one is in my area. This past weekend I had a setback on the Internet. For those of you who are struggling, you are not alone, and for those of you who have years of victory in this area please remember this counsel: NEVER, NEVER, LET YOUR SPIRITUAL GUARD DOWN. Please pray for me.


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