My Constant Companion—Masturbation
I wish I knew where to begin this story but I don’t. More than likely, before any other eyes read these words, I’ll have yielded myself to yet another temptation of pornography and self-gratification.
Though I realize I grapple with an adversary sickeningly familiar to many men, I turn my head in disgust no longer wanting to bare my own reflection. I balance dangerously between self-animosity and self-hatred. I didn’t write to let every reader know my personal dissatisfaction, I wrote in hopes that someone will read this letter and know that they’re not standing alone.
My addiction began during seventh grade (or there about), however, I’ve been a fan of pornography for much longer. I became born again in high school and, like any young, smooth-talking, good-reputation high school guy, I liked to engage in physical activity with girls. I liked girls so much that I wanted some sort of physical satisfaction every night. Well, as we all know, unless you’re some superstar or a man with a magic genie, you’re out of luck in that area. I was out of luck. I did however, meet a vicious, soon-to-be constant companion. He was disguised as a harmless and sinless supplementary act of sexual gratitude that would hold me over until marriage. He called himself Masturbation.
Life continued and my companion and I went everywhere together. He joined a church with me, he prayed with me, he laughed with me, and he antagonized me. He followed me when I became a loved and readily respected youth leader. He stuck around when God called me away from that church to another smaller one to help it humbly engineer a fresh, youthfully exuberant move of the Holy Spirit. In that church, he faithfully stood by me as I joined the worship team, counseled individuals, led prayer teams, took delegated reigns of leadership, and helped fuel a bible study. After all that, he remained everlasting. We presently are in the midst of establishing a church and a fully functioning, self-sufficient and self-sustaining congregation.
Why the accolades? Because I want everyone to know that even a Godly, obedient, God-fearing man can fall face down landing with an impact like an earthquake. I am tired of self-righteous church folk claiming Godly authority. I know I’m wrong, I know I need to change, I know I’ve tried, I know I’ve failed and still I know I’m helpless. I’ve told no one and it eats my silence like maggots on a rotting carcass. I cannot shake this addiction for the life of me and it is continuing its degeneration.
Since I was a Christian, sex was an outright no-no but everything else just before it was good enough. After a while though, even that began taking its toll on me spiritually and I realized that too was wrong. I needed a Godly woman in my life. I needed companionship both sexually and emotionally to accompany me through my ministry endeavors. I had to wait though; she was nowhere to be found. All I could find was Masturbation. He’d never left and every time he reminded me he was around, I submitted while hating every minute of my submission.
I find myself tangled in the addictive sexual web of pornography, masturbation, and imaginative adultery daily as a logical combatant primarily of depression and companionship. Admittedly, I do it any time I’m depressed, aroused, angry, confused, lonely, all because its just as addictive as drugs and I am clueless of its remedy.
I know of God’s power to do the impossible, by the GRACE of God I have been used to do it, but I see no end. I see nothing that even resembles a way out even when I look through spirit filled eyes. I pray that God does something and does it FAST. This constant leech, Masturbation, grows stronger hourly.
Anyone with answers is embraced.