Broken Before God
I don’t remember my first exposure to pornography. However, I do recall when I got deep into it. I was around the age of 10. Having seen a Playboy magazine from a close friend, I searched my parents bedroom for anything sexual. I found and read a few Penthouse magazines. The types of pictures and stories I read there would direct my addiction from then on. I then learned how to gratify myself and became a master at hiding it.
I was always considered a “good kid”. I never took drugs or even drank alcohol until I was in college (only the drinking part). If they only knew the thoughts running through my head. I did some sexual things that I still can’t believe I actually did.
I became sexually active with girls as soon as I started dating in the 8th grade. No matter how much activity I had I still had the lust for stimulating my mind with the stories in my now magazine of choice. There were times when I was self-gratifying every day! I don’t think I’ve gone more than two weeks without it!
In college, I met my wife as well as had free access to pornographic video. During my third year, having been engaged for about a year, even though we were engaging in pre-marital sex, I did what in my mind is adultery… I had sex with another woman. This almost cost me my wife, but it did bring me to my knees and I accepted Christ into my life with the help of my saved roomate. I thought that would cure my lust for pornography and self gratification. I was wrong.
I have been married now for over 7 years and have two beautiful children ages 3½ and 1½. I am writing this now because, as my wife and kids have been visiting our parents this past week, I have been on the Internet going to all of the porno sites I could find that had what I was looking for…stories. After I was done each time I felt disgusted with myself and went through the entire time feeling empty. I didn’t go to church last Sunday because I was up late the night before feeding my addiction. I then didn’t go to the evening service because I thought everyone would see right through me.
The other night, while I was reading the book NICOLAE, I felt the sudden urge to read the story I had printed out from the Internet and did so… even though I had a VeggieTales song stuck in my head! I was incredibly disgusted with myself and ripped up the story and threw it in the trash as I told myself—“Never again” and I honestly meant it. That was Sunday night… I am writing this Tuesday after midnight. I believe God led me to ChristianAnswers.Net and I read the sexual addiction answers with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears. I am at a level 1 right now! I realize I need help. I don’t think I can tell my wife about this and I am afraid to tell my pastor or my friend, but I think I am going to have to. Please pray for God to give me the strength to do so. I am also going to go to the local christian bookstore to buy WHEN GOOD MEN ARE TEMPTED. Maybe that will be how I bring it up with my wife. Lord, help me to be the man you would have me to be!
Editor’s note: According to the Christian Alliance for Sexual Recovery, as much as ten percent of the total Christian population is sexually addicted.
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