My Bloody Valentine 3-D

To all you would be horror movie producers who are thinking of remaking a cult classic—just don’t do it. Let’s leave well enough alone, shall we! Joining recent remade flops such as “Psycho” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” Lionsgate’s “My Bloody Valentine” limps into the never-should-have-been-rereleased pile. There is a simple message to future filmmakers, just because you can remake a film, does not mean that you should.

“My Bloody Valentine” is a remake of the 1981 film of the same title; the story lines are similar, with a few new twists. Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) returns to his hometown exactly ten years after a Valentine’s Day massacre which left 22 people dead at the hands of Harry Warden, a mine worker who spent months in a coma after an explosion at the mine. Hanniger returns to sell his father’s mine, which makes him public enemy #1; it doesn’t help that the killing has started all over again—making him prime suspect #1.

One thing can be said about this remake—it fits well within the slasher flick genre. Unnecessary nudity, bad language, men and women falling for no reason while running, characters moving toward the killer instead of running away, or, running away while the killer walks and somehow he still manages to catch up—oh, and the biggest connection of all—horribly bad acting! Yup, it fits the conventions well.

Patrick Lussier (director) brings considerable talent and experience to this debacle; he has worked on numerous films in the genre; many of them were box office failures. In theatres, the film is offered in 2D and 3D; ordinarily three dimensional movies are exciting, and slasher 3D may be treat for the avid fan, but all the computerized trickery in the world could not save this snoozefest. For comparison purposes, this writer saw the 2D version first and hoped that the fancy 3D technology could offer some level of redemption, but alas there was no help for this one. The tagline for this film is “Get your heart broken.” Exactly!

Movies in this genre tend not to be Christ-centric or family-friendly; there is nothing that makes this a film that Christians should go see. Honestly, non-Christians should avoid it as well.

This film was released early (was originally set to open near Valentine’s Day 2009), due to the release of another classic remake—“Friday the 13th,” which will open on Friday, February 13th. Oddly enough, the word “fear” comes to mind; the concern is not the subject matter, but the idea that this classic will be butchered also causes this writer to shudder.

• Violence: Extreme— • pickax driven in or through people’s heads, face and various body parts, with bloody results—in one case with eyeball pushed out toward viewers • pickax repeatedly used in varied ways as effective murder and injury weapon—with grisly details shown • shovel used as grisly weapon—jammed into woman’s mouth and driven into her head to decapitate her • repeated murders • numerous bloody bodies • grisly scene of murder victim cut in two • grisly details of body with chest cut open (heart removed) • repeated blood and flesh splatters • mine accident tragedy with explosion and death • violent chases • brutal fights • guns used to kill and wound • bloody grisly results of pickax murdered woman’s blistered, battered body shown after being tumbled in a hot dryer for some time • near strangling • deadly explosion
• Vulgar/Crude language: Extreme— • “c*cks*cker” (2) • “motherf***er” (2) • other f-words (36+) • “p*ssy” (2) • “son of a b*tch” (3) • “a**-wipe” • “a**” (6) • s-words (15) • “over-the-pants handjob” • b*lls
• Profane language: Very Heavy— • “Oh Jesus Christ” • “Oh Jesus” (2) • “Jesus” (4) • “Jeez” • “Christ” • “G*d-damn” (4) • “God” (10) • “damn” (3) • h*ll (10+)
• Nudity: Extreme— • woman fully nude—front and reare (displayed multiple times) • bare breasts • woman in panties in sexual situation • cleavage • man’s bare buttocks
• Sex: Extreme— • strong sex scenes • man recording sex with video camera and this tape is later shown • sexual sounds (motel) • groping • sexual comments • adultery shown
• Occult: None

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