Hellboy

Hellboy movies:
• “Hellboy” (2004)
• “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” (2008)
• “Hellboy” (2019)

Director del Toro’s earlier Hellboy movies were somewhat charming and funny action movies that didn’t take themselves too seriously. This remake is more faithful to the dark tone of the comic books, but leaves out the humor, irony, and heart.

Centuries ago, King Arthur showed up with his pal Merlin in tow to a meeting with the Blood Queen, the sorceress Nimue (Milla Jovovich), only to betray her, cut her into pieces, and scatter the parts across the world so she could never resurrect herself and make a place for evil to rule. Turns out this wasn’t such a hot plan after all, because hundreds of years later, a plot unfolds to collect all her pieces, sew them back on, and let the Blood Queen wreak bloody vengeance upon the world.

The only one who could possibly stop her is Hellboy (David Harbour), a demon-spawn raised to do “the right thing” by his eccentric adopted father, Professor Bloom (Ian McShane). But Hellboy is a little busy right now, since he’s gone to Mexico to collect an old friend who went rogue after a demon-hunting mission, only to find he has gone native. And then he traipses off to hunt down and kill three giants who have recently emerged in England, only to face betrayal, disappointment, and stumble upon the Nimue plot.

Now he has a limited amount of time to thwart her and save the day, before she washes the whole world in blood and brings about a new empire built on the old one’s bones.

Problem is, Hellboy doesn’t know if she is actually worth killing, since he feels kind of… well, sorry for her.

If the movie had focused more on Hellboy’s sense of alienation, not knowing where he belongs, and longing to fit into humanity without being persecuted or scaring people, it might make for a more resonating story; instead, the filmmakers came up with paper-thin characters (none of them really have motivations or personalities beyond the broad strokes) to flesh out a story built primarily around grotesque images, scenes, and almost-constant gore, from the opening in which we see Nimue hacked apart to the gallons of blood that flow later. And that doesn’t even touch on a disturbing scene in which Hellboy confronts a child-eating witch.

I thought the earlier Hellboy movies were a bit fun—they were less about the occult than they used it as a way to explain Hellboy’s existence, but here, we bathe in darkness and evil.

We learn that Hellboy’s parents were a witch and a demon who gave birth to him in Hell; that Nimue is a powerful sorceress; about a witch who eats babies and small children (and looks terrible, walking backwards on all fours like a crab, and demanding one of Hellboy’s eyes as a sacrifice, after kissing him with her hairy tongue); we hear about séances, and his friend Alice (Sasha Lane) is a psychic.

He faces down countless demons and monsters, all of them hideous and some of them with the heads and partial bodies of animals (including a vicious, profanity-spewing tusk-faced demon boar).

It is… a lot. And what the main problem is, is there’s no goodness or light to combat it. There’s only Hellboy. And when he touches certain magical objects, like the famous sword Excalibur, he sees visions of himself ruling in Hell and slaughtering the masses.

This opens the door for interesting conversations about whether people are born bad (fated) or choose evil, and if Hellboy can overcome his own evil roots to become good, and “earn” a chance at salvation.

But what you will probably remember the most is how gross this film is.

It has a good cast, but Barbour is mostly wasted in the cynical lead; the other Hellboy loved kittens and candy bars and was a likable grouch. This one has no redeeming character traits that made me root for him. It all falls kind of flat, and despite the copious amounts of action scenes, swearing, and almost constant violence, it feels longer than its two hours.

Some of the plot twists make no sense, and are just there to pad the running time or to lead into a battle sequence. I felt bored, disgusted, and wanted it to be over twenty minutes before it finally drew to its conclusion.

If you will remember, the original films had a terrific host of minor characters who weren’t as authentic to the comic books as this film is, but they were all likable, from the water creature who loved to read to Hellboy’s fire-starting girlfriend, Liz. There’s none of that warmth, lovableness, or fun to be found in this dark movie, which loves to wallow in the dreck and fling entrails at the screen. Skip it.

• Occult: Extreme— • demons • witches • spirits • magic and magic spells • occultic practices • seer
• Violence: Extreme— includes impalements, dismemberments, cannibalism, decapitations, gun violence, sharp weapons violence, much blood and gore, etc.
• Vulgar/Crude language: Very Heavy— • f-words (30+) • s-words (12) • pr*ck • d*ck • d*ck-head • w*nker • t*dger • “Grow a pair” • b*llocks • cr*p (6) • a**hole (2) • a** (2) • b*tch / b*tching • son of a b*tch • b*stard • “Just like this but with strippers” • “Yellow as p*ss”
• Profane language: Very Heavy— • J*sus Chr*st (2) • Chr*st • G*d-d*mn (3) • d*mn (2) • H*ll (4) • G*d (2)
• Vulgar/Crude language: Moderate
• Nudity: Moderate— • topless young woman • topless males
• Wokeism: Mild
• Drugs/Alcohol: Minor
• Sex: None

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